On March 20-22, 2015, My friends from FFCC Young Ones youth ministry and I embarked on a literal and spiritual adventure to Hillsdale, Michigan for the Kairos YES Retreat. Since I chose not to give a sharing to the congregation during the CA, I thought I'd write a blog post about my rather interesting experience during a retreat I will surely not forget. There's a reason why I put off talking about the retreat in person, and that's because my experience is honestly quite embarrassing and unconventional, but it's less embarrassing if I told you the full story. So this is my way of telling you the full story.

Some of you will know that two days prior to our departure, I had a very painful earache due to my congested sinuses from a recovering common cold. I got painful shocks in my inner ear when I was sitting absolutely still, which made my family and I fear for the possible pain I might have to endure when I'm up in the air on an airplane. It's not advised for people with earaches to swim or fly due to the air pressure changes, but it definitely wasn't an option to back out.




With a medicine pouch full of NyQuil, DayQuil, Tylenol and Gravol, I packed my bags and headed to the airport. The pain in my ear at this point was barely an occasional pinch (praise God), but they were still very clogged and therefore I was partially hard of hearing. Also, praise the Lord for the painless flight with regards to my ears! It was still a rather uncomfortable flight from Seattle to Detroit, but I never have the best of luck with motion sickness and restlessness on airplanes anyway.

I was so determined to make the most out of this retreat; I've been looking forward to this weekend for almost a year. It didn't bother me that I would be the only female participant on the trip, meaning there would be many, many times I wouldn't be in the comfort of my fellow brothers from home, and I was set on making friends, and growing deeper in my faith.

But only God would have ever guessed the intensity of the spiritual battle that went on inside me for the entire retreat.



Due to my restlessness on the plane, I felt very lethargic on the first evening of the retreat. This means that if we weren't doing praise and worship (which I deeply enjoyed throughout the entire retreat), I ended up either struggling to keep my mind from going into a daze, or I ended up nodding off. I tried so hard to pay attention to our first session, but the words of God went in through one ear, and then went out the other.

My small group ended up to be much smaller than planned because unfortunately a flight was cancelled and three of the girls in my group couldn't make it. Therefore, my group consisted of four people, two youths and two leaders (including Ate Mica, who is also my small group leader back home). On the first small group discussion, I struggled very hard to contribute and take anything in from what's being contributed. My hearing loss further inhibited me to understand what's being said with utter clarity, aside from my unfortunate daze during the first portion of the retreat. This definitely brought my spirits down, and I became very socially awkward.


The time difference, among other things, kept me up the first night. I was also becoming increasingly homesick, as I was messaging my mom late at night to say good night (there was wifi at the retreat centre, and it could be reached from my cabin.) Then, as the emotions started to become stronger, I started to vent out my horrible experience to Isabel, my best friend who was currently having dinner with her family. Family. I really missed my family, and I had a harder time adjusting to my surroundings more than usual. At this point, tears are rolling down my cheek one after another as I try my hardest to keep in my cries so I don't wake anyone. I'm tearing up big time as I write this; I've never felt so homesick before.

The homesickness and crying was a large factor, and the two capsules of NyQuil may also be a factor (I decided to take some to help me sleep, since I knew I could never sleep well in new places, but also to finish up my healing), but as I laid in bed trying to sleep away the hardships of the day, I became very dizzy and I started to tense up and shake. My chest felt tight and my breathing became shallow, something I have felt before during the few times I have had a panic attack. I tried to keep it in, which probably made it worse since it made me unable to relax and let it all out, all while praying all the prayers I could think of in my head. I literally cried out to God to give me peace, to help me overcome this hardship.

At this point, I really had to let out my emotions. So I messaged my mom and Isabel and told them what I was feeling in the hopes that I might get over the situation and finally sleep. I asked them for comfort and to pray for me, and they surely gave me comfort with their words, especially Isabel, who (if I remember correctly) made me laugh despite the situation. Their comfort, however, made me feel even more depressed, since they weren't actually there to physically hug and comfort me.

I wished that a friend like Isabel came with me, and that they were there to help me make friends and warm up to my surroundings. I've always had trouble socializing with people I don't know, and the thought of making conversation with new people made me so anxious. This is something that I struggle with very often in my everyday life, though now it's just amplified 1000x because of everything else I'm feeling.


After a while (I can't remember how long exactly, I'd say half an hour? An hour?), I ended my conversations and tried to fall asleep. Only a few tears fell at a time, and I felt better, but I still didn't feel the best. As if on cue, Ate Mica called out to me from her bunk and asked if I was awake, and after replying I proceeded to tell her about how I was feeling. After the talk with her, I returned to my bunk and fell asleep soundly.

God truly answered my prayers, because on Saturday I was healed. My ears were no longer clogged or hurting (meaning I could hear perfectly! Yay!), and I felt great, both physically and mentally. God had given me the grace to socialize and meet new people with ease, something that happens so rarely that I can't help but thank Him every single time I have completed a conversation with someone new without stumbling on my words, and while keeping up the conversation. On Saturday was the day I made the most friends, was able to pay attention fully to a wonderful session about being a woman made in God's image and greatly contribute to my small group discussions. It's unfortunate that I was not able to retain any memories of our second talk that day, though I think it's better for me to move on and accept the fact, rather than feel guilty about something that I can never change.



Saturday was also the day I spent the first part of my recreation time meditating deep in the glory of His creation. I used a meditating app on my phone to help me relax and open my mind, and though I still had trouble hearing exactly what God was telling me (I'm still working on that), I was overwhelmed by His presence as I sat surrounded by what could very well be one of the most beautiful sceneries I have ever witnessed. I sat there in the sound of rustling branches, truly taken aback at how breathtaking His creation truly is.

In the evening we had pray overs with our small group, in which I balled my eyes out like crazy and asked for prayers for many things, one of them to be more confident in showing my faith to others and to have the courage to tell others about what I believe in. This, along with my last couple blog posts, are a true testimony to my answered prayer. You can go through all posts and not find a single thing about God or my faith (not that I remember) because before the retreat, I felt like it would be too pushy for me to talk about my faith on my blog. Many of my friends and classmates read my blog, and there are slight possibilities that strangers are reading my blog too, and I felt like if I talked about my faith, then I'd be that annoying person who rubs God in everyone's faces. Those days are over folks, because God is an important aspect in my life, and I'd be a fool to pretend that my faith is not relevant to my blog life.

Praise and worship on Saturday was my absolute favourite, because it was then I witnessed the many forms of charismatic worship. Everyone was raising their hands above their heads or had their arms open at their sides, singing with all their hearts and clapping to the beats of the song as they worshipped the Glorious One. Many were also jumping as if they weren't contented with only reaching up to God with their hands, so they jumped to try to bring their praising bodies closer to the heavens. And many were also dancing and using their entire bodies to worship the Lord, including myself, since everyone who's seen me while any song is playing knows I love breaking into dance. Some were even circling around the congregation with hands intertwined with each other as they ran happily around. And it wasn't that people were joking and fooling around, but it was more like everyone was so happy to have God in their lives, that we all had to dance to express how happy we are. They don't call it a Happy Dance for nothing.



Saturday night was when I also had a great bonding moment with my cabin mates, as we stayed up past our bedtime and gave the Americans our Canadian candies, realizing that they do not know what sour keys are. My cabin was a crazy bunch, which I totally did not mind since I'm crazy too.

I didn't sleep too well that night, and in the morning I felt dizzy. I thought I was dehydrated, but I couldn't get a good glass of water before the Sunday mass service, and all I drank was a couple gulps of metal-tasting tap water (sorry Michigan, but once you've lived with drinking Vancouver tap water, you can never go back.) As mass went on, I started feeling worse, and I started getting the symptoms of a fever. After much selfless help and comfort from Tito Eli and David Choa, I had water and Tylenol in my body. Many prayed over me for my healing, but the on-off fever and chills persisted until after the retreat ended. Because of this and my lack of sleep in the night before, I started to get back into a similar predicament as Friday evening, and fell asleep for the last session, and after felt an enormous guilt for sleeping. I chose to sleep because I wanted to get better for the trip back home, but the guilt made me very depressed, since it seemed like I barely got anything out of this retreat.

I was very lethargic for the entire day, forcing myself to smile in photos, and avoiding the faces of those I had acquainted because I felt horrible about how the weekend went. The drowsiness kept me in an inescapable hazed mind, and the more I forced myself to remember what I had learned from the retreat, the more those memories escaped me. I realize now that it's better for me to accept the fact that many things did not end up happening in the best way, but I shouldn't let this overshadow the few very good things that I have taken away from the retreat.


Just for interest's sake, I fell asleep for most of the drive back to Detroit, and I felt gross and tired the entire time at the airport, lightly slept while everyone ventured off around the airport to get food, and my fever was returning. In the four-hour flight to Seattle, I half-slept, which is always annoying because when you wake up, you still feel nasty.

I kept debating whether I should take another Tylenol (since it was wearing off), or drink a sleep-inducing drink that I bought at the airport called Dream Water. It seemed much, and rather scary, to take both (since Dream Water does warn that you shouldn't take it with other medications, though I feel like it might just mix side-effects. Dream Water is also drug-free, if that makes a difference) so I kept contemplating which one would be better to take. I ended up taking Tylenol mid-way through the flight, but wasn't satisfied, took the risk, and drank Dream Water an hour-ish after. It was supposed to kick in about a half-hour after drinking, but since I didn't drink it all (I heard that it knocks you out with a quarter of the bottle), it didn't kick in until just under an hour before our connecting flight to Bellingham.

That nap in the airport was probably the most refreshing nap ever (signalling that the Dream Water kicked in), and I fell asleep on the plane while it was still on the ground. I don't know what happened since I was knocked out, but we were sitting on the plane for more than an hour before the plane started moving, and even then it kept taxi-ing. I woke up from my 2 hour hibernation when I realized that everyone was taking a group selfie with a sleeping Millie.


All in all, I didn't have the most conventional or ideal retreat experience, but the ultimate goal was still achieved: I became closer to God and got deeper in my faith. Like I mentioned, I feel much more courageous in speaking out about my faith, and though I'm still working on being a hundred percent candid, it's a solid beginning that I'm happy and grateful. Though I was never really known to be someone who strives to fit in, I'm even more confident in myself now to be counter-culture and not be influenced by peer pressure. I am made in the image and likeness of God, and that is good, and I shouldn't hide this goodness from anyone. (And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how I segued into the theme of the retreat, The Glorious Image, so it seems like I actually listened to the talks more than I did.)

I've also found myself talking more to God in my head, kind of like I would talk to a best friend. Though I wouldn't call it praying, I always talk to Him about my problems and issues and talk it through in my head with Him in mind. I would also ask for comfort and guidance during stressful tests and assignments at school. And of course, I would always joyfully freak-out (slash fangirl; for lack of a better term) to Him about the little things He has blessed me with throughout my day. It's like I've gone into the next level of friendship with God, and it's no longer awkward, but comfortable enough to talk to Him casually throughout my day. I don't feel like I can only talk to him during my formal prayer times, but I can chat with him as my day goes on, which I feel really helps build my relationship with him, just like it would help strengthen any relationship. This has really helped me keep God literally present in my daily life, and it makes me second guess my otherwise questionable actions.

Lastly, I'm still currently working on truly believing in the phrase "God is enough". I'm still working on not spending excessive money on unnecessary materialistic object and donating more money to charity or saving it for experiences, but I do believe that God's got my life under control. I know that he will provide, and I like to think that whenever I'm stressed out about something. He'll lead me though the path that will make everything work out. I actually wrote a blog post related to my stress over my passions and my future, and the comfort I find in God's plan, if you want to check it out.)

God spoke to me through the little that I've heard in this retreat, but that just made his missions for me so much more emphasized. Sometimes, especially for myself, when so many talks are being thrown to you, I only end up remembering the things that stood out to me (and what I feel God is trying to say to me), and everything else becomes a blur. This time it actually is a blur, and though I always wish it wasn't, I'm not completely hating the fact that it is. But, I am wondering what I missed, so I hope I'll be able to attend another YES Retreat soon!



Thank you so much for reading, I know it was a long one but if you're reading this, you stuck 'til the end and I can never thank you enough!

Hello readers! I thought I'd come online today and write about some things that have been happening recently, in hopes of maybe, hopefully, finally have some answers for myself and have this random burden lifted from my mind.

It's funny how whenever I take a blog hiatus I always come back with some deep content.

Okay, maybe funny isn't the right word.

I'm quite nervous to be writing this blog post, because I know this is my way of explaining what I've been feeling, and I know my guard will have to be down. I feel very vulnerable right now, and if you're reading this then that means I got what I was looking for after finishing this post.

Unintentionally gave shoutouts to my friends' Instagrams. I know they're not complaining.

So a few months ago I started my YouTube channel, and if you know me, you'd know very well that YouTube is my life, and that becoming a YouTuber was my Crazy Dream that I'm embarrassed to admit. If those who know this have paid attention prior to the startup of my channel, I actually held off making my channel for a good year and a bit. I said things like "I'll start it when I get a laptop" and after I got my laptop, I said "I'll wait until summer vacation so I'll have more time", and when summer came I said "I think I'm still too young to start it. People will think I'm amateur (I still think this to this day)" I made it a new years resolution to finally buy a camera and kickstart my channel, and so that's what I did.

To this day, I'm still finding excuses to hold off my video creating, and I don't understand why. I'd film videos, but I'd never have the will to edit it. Or I won't even film because I don't have the will to do so. I have people come up to me to say that they watched my videos, and my friends and family always talk about how much they love my videos (which I do not take for granted, since I did work hard on them nonetheless), but I don't love making them as much as I wish I did. I choose not to force myself, because I want to do this because it's a hobby, not for fame or recognition or whatever. The past few videos I've filmed are with friends, and I'm even struggling to finish up editing those videos. I used to finish editing my old videos with friends in half a day, and now I have raw files sitting in SD cards for over a month.

Shout out to the makeup crew for our school play (Makeup Squad 2k15). Totally not taking all the credit for my makeup.

I'm starting to question whether I really want to do this because it's fun or because I want fame. However, I'm so conflicted because many other factors that made me want to start up a channel did not change. I'm still in love with the art of makeup. I still love filming videos (maybe not of myself) and editing is a skill I value. I'm still a candid weirdo who has a yearning for bringing joy in people and inspire them to be who they really are by being shameless and being who I am. I love doing DIY projects, though I have trouble with wanting to film them. And most importantly, I still always think about being a YouTuber and daydream about executing future video projects.

My social anxiety and public speaking fear have been pretty prominent in my life for the past few weeks (but that story is for another day), and I've also gotten rid of unnecessary things that make me anxious in hopes of not having this feeling whenever I do things I want to do (aka making videos). That didn't work.

On the other hand, I considered to solely stick to blogging since I enjoy writing. Because of this nervousness that I get while speaking, I feel like when writing, I can truly say what I want to say in the way that I want it to be said. Not many people know this, but I often have several ongoing writing projects that I like do to. These projects tend to be very personal, since I do write about things in order to understand myself and my mind more (like this blog post) and therefore I do not share these pieces with anyone. And here's a cool secret: I think it would be one of my greatest accomplishments ever to write and complete an actual book, and an even bigger accomplishment to have it considered for publication.

via the "about me" section from my super secret (and inactive) Wattpad account.

I don't quite know yet what God wants me to do with this hobby of mine, but what I do know is that though I may very well enjoy blogging more than talking to a camera, I do not read blog posts myself, and frankly I am more interested in the YouTube community than the blogging community. I cannot sit and read long posts unless it's a review for a product I'm interested in, and even then I skip to the verdict or look at pictures. Even my favourite YouTubers' blogs aren't appealing to me, because I'm just not the type of person to keep up with blog posts like I keep up with videos.

My interest in the communities are a major variable, because though I'm doing this for fun, I would still prefer to grow my viewers and get myself out there. In order for me to further achieve my dreams and get new and exciting opportunities I need to grow as a channel/blog. I would like it if I was interested and active in the community already, regardless of my own domain.

Why not continue on with this post to outside of my internet life? Thanks for sticking with me this far, I wouldn't have if I were you haha.

My view whist I meditated in Michigan.

I'm at the point in my high school life where I have to seriously start making decisions on my plans after high school. Not that that's a problem, because I'm the type of person who stops at nothing to get a definite answer that I really want to get, and have started researching on my possible plans for post-secondary way before I was required to for school purposes.  I am currently on the road to learning industrial design in university (aka I chose courses for my next year in high school to benefit my future learning in industrial design), though I'm starting to return to my predicament of being torn between industrial design, makeup artistry, and psychology. Each have their distinctive pros and cons (which I really prefer not to get into since this is a hella long blog post already), but now I'm wondering if writing or storytelling is my calling, and I was hoping to achieve this through my blog or YouTube, though apparently the time is not now.

In summary, this is my reasons for my actions (or rather, the lack of actions) online, and it makes me better having this out there because I felt bad for neglecting my YouTube and blog.

To anyone who's also having these internal conflicts, I'm seriously praying for you, and hope that God opens your eyes to see the path He created for you. But of course, you will have to wait until He chooses to reveal this to you. Hope that you find comfort in knowing that there's a really great plan already made for your life, and that God is there to guide you through it. It definitely helps me relax a bit to know that.


Thanks for reading friends <3

As Mr. Goose says, "Thanks for feeding friend!" Hahahaaaaa...

Hope my strategically placed pictures and stylized words made this easier to read.