On March 20-22, 2015, My friends from FFCC Young Ones youth ministry and I embarked on a literal and spiritual adventure to Hillsdale, Michigan for the Kairos YES Retreat. Since I chose not to give a sharing to the congregation during the CA, I thought I'd write a blog post about my rather interesting experience during a retreat I will surely not forget. There's a reason why I put off talking about the retreat in person, and that's because my experience is honestly quite embarrassing and unconventional, but it's less embarrassing if I told you the full story. So this is my way of telling you the full story.
Some of you will know that two days prior to our departure, I had a very painful earache due to my congested sinuses from a recovering common cold. I got painful shocks in my inner ear when I was sitting absolutely still, which made my family and I fear for the possible pain I might have to endure when I'm up in the air on an airplane. It's not advised for people with earaches to swim or fly due to the air pressure changes, but it definitely wasn't an option to back out.
With a medicine pouch full of NyQuil, DayQuil, Tylenol and Gravol, I packed my bags and headed to the airport. The pain in my ear at this point was barely an occasional pinch (praise God), but they were still very clogged and therefore I was partially hard of hearing. Also, praise the Lord for the painless flight with regards to my ears! It was still a rather uncomfortable flight from Seattle to Detroit, but I never have the best of luck with motion sickness and restlessness on airplanes anyway.
I was so determined to make the most out of this retreat; I've been looking forward to this weekend for almost a year. It didn't bother me that I would be the only female participant on the trip, meaning there would be many, many times I wouldn't be in the comfort of my fellow brothers from home, and I was set on making friends, and growing deeper in my faith.
But only God would have ever guessed the intensity of the spiritual battle that went on inside me for the entire retreat.
Due to my restlessness on the plane, I felt very lethargic on the first evening of the retreat. This means that if we weren't doing praise and worship (which I deeply enjoyed throughout the entire retreat), I ended up either struggling to keep my mind from going into a daze, or I ended up nodding off. I tried so hard to pay attention to our first session, but the words of God went in through one ear, and then went out the other.
My small group ended up to be much smaller than planned because unfortunately a flight was cancelled and three of the girls in my group couldn't make it. Therefore, my group consisted of four people, two youths and two leaders (including Ate Mica, who is also my small group leader back home). On the first small group discussion, I struggled very hard to contribute and take anything in from what's being contributed. My hearing loss further inhibited me to understand what's being said with utter clarity, aside from my unfortunate daze during the first portion of the retreat. This definitely brought my spirits down, and I became very socially awkward.
The time difference, among other things, kept me up the first night. I was also becoming increasingly homesick, as I was messaging my mom late at night to say good night (there was wifi at the retreat centre, and it could be reached from my cabin.) Then, as the emotions started to become stronger, I started to vent out my horrible experience to Isabel, my best friend who was currently having dinner with her family. Family. I really missed my family, and I had a harder time adjusting to my surroundings more than usual. At this point, tears are rolling down my cheek one after another as I try my hardest to keep in my cries so I don't wake anyone. I'm tearing up big time as I write this; I've never felt so homesick before.
The homesickness and crying was a large factor, and the two capsules of NyQuil may also be a factor (I decided to take some to help me sleep, since I knew I could never sleep well in new places, but also to finish up my healing), but as I laid in bed trying to sleep away the hardships of the day, I became very dizzy and I started to tense up and shake. My chest felt tight and my breathing became shallow, something I have felt before during the few times I have had a panic attack. I tried to keep it in, which probably made it worse since it made me unable to relax and let it all out, all while praying all the prayers I could think of in my head. I literally cried out to God to give me peace, to help me overcome this hardship.
At this point, I really had to let out my emotions. So I messaged my mom and Isabel and told them what I was feeling in the hopes that I might get over the situation and finally sleep. I asked them for comfort and to pray for me, and they surely gave me comfort with their words, especially Isabel, who (if I remember correctly) made me laugh despite the situation. Their comfort, however, made me feel even more depressed, since they weren't actually there to physically hug and comfort me.
I wished that a friend like Isabel came with me, and that they were there to help me make friends and warm up to my surroundings. I've always had trouble socializing with people I don't know, and the thought of making conversation with new people made me so anxious. This is something that I struggle with very often in my everyday life, though now it's just amplified 1000x because of everything else I'm feeling.
After a while (I can't remember how long exactly, I'd say half an hour? An hour?), I ended my conversations and tried to fall asleep. Only a few tears fell at a time, and I felt better, but I still didn't feel the best. As if on cue, Ate Mica called out to me from her bunk and asked if I was awake, and after replying I proceeded to tell her about how I was feeling. After the talk with her, I returned to my bunk and fell asleep soundly.
God truly answered my prayers, because on Saturday I was healed. My ears were no longer clogged or hurting (meaning I could hear perfectly! Yay!), and I felt great, both physically and mentally. God had given me the grace to socialize and meet new people with ease, something that happens so rarely that I can't help but thank Him every single time I have completed a conversation with someone new without stumbling on my words, and while keeping up the conversation. On Saturday was the day I made the most friends, was able to pay attention fully to a wonderful session about being a woman made in God's image and greatly contribute to my small group discussions. It's unfortunate that I was not able to retain any memories of our second talk that day, though I think it's better for me to move on and accept the fact, rather than feel guilty about something that I can never change.
Saturday was also the day I spent the first part of my recreation time meditating deep in the glory of His creation. I used a meditating app on my phone to help me relax and open my mind, and though I still had trouble hearing exactly what God was telling me (I'm still working on that), I was overwhelmed by His presence as I sat surrounded by what could very well be one of the most beautiful sceneries I have ever witnessed. I sat there in the sound of rustling branches, truly taken aback at how breathtaking His creation truly is.
In the evening we had pray overs with our small group, in which I balled my eyes out like crazy and asked for prayers for many things, one of them to be more confident in showing my faith to others and to have the courage to tell others about what I believe in. This, along with my last couple blog posts, are a true testimony to my answered prayer. You can go through all posts and not find a single thing about God or my faith (not that I remember) because before the retreat, I felt like it would be too pushy for me to talk about my faith on my blog. Many of my friends and classmates read my blog, and there are slight possibilities that strangers are reading my blog too, and I felt like if I talked about my faith, then I'd be that annoying person who rubs God in everyone's faces. Those days are over folks, because God is an important aspect in my life, and I'd be a fool to pretend that my faith is not relevant to my blog life.
Praise and worship on Saturday was my absolute favourite, because it was then I witnessed the many forms of charismatic worship. Everyone was raising their hands above their heads or had their arms open at their sides, singing with all their hearts and clapping to the beats of the song as they worshipped the Glorious One. Many were also jumping as if they weren't contented with only reaching up to God with their hands, so they jumped to try to bring their praising bodies closer to the heavens. And many were also dancing and using their entire bodies to worship the Lord, including myself, since everyone who's seen me while any song is playing knows I love breaking into dance. Some were even circling around the congregation with hands intertwined with each other as they ran happily around. And it wasn't that people were joking and fooling around, but it was more like everyone was so happy to have God in their lives, that we all had to dance to express how happy we are. They don't call it a Happy Dance for nothing.
Saturday night was when I also had a great bonding moment with my cabin mates, as we stayed up past our bedtime and gave the Americans our Canadian candies, realizing that they do not know what sour keys are. My cabin was a crazy bunch, which I totally did not mind since I'm crazy too.
I didn't sleep too well that night, and in the morning I felt dizzy. I thought I was dehydrated, but I couldn't get a good glass of water before the Sunday mass service, and all I drank was a couple gulps of metal-tasting tap water (sorry Michigan, but once you've lived with drinking Vancouver tap water, you can never go back.) As mass went on, I started feeling worse, and I started getting the symptoms of a fever. After much selfless help and comfort from Tito Eli and David Choa, I had water and Tylenol in my body. Many prayed over me for my healing, but the on-off fever and chills persisted until after the retreat ended. Because of this and my lack of sleep in the night before, I started to get back into a similar predicament as Friday evening, and fell asleep for the last session, and after felt an enormous guilt for sleeping. I chose to sleep because I wanted to get better for the trip back home, but the guilt made me very depressed, since it seemed like I barely got anything out of this retreat.
I was very lethargic for the entire day, forcing myself to smile in photos, and avoiding the faces of those I had acquainted because I felt horrible about how the weekend went. The drowsiness kept me in an inescapable hazed mind, and the more I forced myself to remember what I had learned from the retreat, the more those memories escaped me. I realize now that it's better for me to accept the fact that many things did not end up happening in the best way, but I shouldn't let this overshadow the few very good things that I have taken away from the retreat.
Just for interest's sake, I fell asleep for most of the drive back to Detroit, and I felt gross and tired the entire time at the airport, lightly slept while everyone ventured off around the airport to get food, and my fever was returning. In the four-hour flight to Seattle, I half-slept, which is always annoying because when you wake up, you still feel nasty.
I kept debating whether I should take another Tylenol (since it was wearing off), or drink a sleep-inducing drink that I bought at the airport called Dream Water. It seemed much, and rather scary, to take both (since Dream Water does warn that you shouldn't take it with other medications, though I feel like it might just mix side-effects. Dream Water is also drug-free, if that makes a difference) so I kept contemplating which one would be better to take. I ended up taking Tylenol mid-way through the flight, but wasn't satisfied, took the risk, and drank Dream Water an hour-ish after. It was supposed to kick in about a half-hour after drinking, but since I didn't drink it all (I heard that it knocks you out with a quarter of the bottle), it didn't kick in until just under an hour before our connecting flight to Bellingham.
That nap in the airport was probably the most refreshing nap ever (signalling that the Dream Water kicked in), and I fell asleep on the plane while it was still on the ground. I don't know what happened since I was knocked out, but we were sitting on the plane for more than an hour before the plane started moving, and even then it kept taxi-ing. I woke up from my 2 hour hibernation when I realized that everyone was taking a group selfie with a sleeping Millie.
All in all, I didn't have the most conventional or ideal retreat experience, but the ultimate goal was still achieved: I became closer to God and got deeper in my faith. Like I mentioned, I feel much more courageous in speaking out about my faith, and though I'm still working on being a hundred percent candid, it's a solid beginning that I'm happy and grateful. Though I was never really known to be someone who strives to fit in, I'm even more confident in myself now to be counter-culture and not be influenced by peer pressure. I am made in the image and likeness of God, and that is good, and I shouldn't hide this goodness from anyone. (And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how I segued into the theme of the retreat, The Glorious Image, so it seems like I actually listened to the talks more than I did.)
I've also found myself talking more to God in my head, kind of like I would talk to a best friend. Though I wouldn't call it praying, I always talk to Him about my problems and issues and talk it through in my head with Him in mind. I would also ask for comfort and guidance during stressful tests and assignments at school. And of course, I would always joyfully freak-out (slash fangirl; for lack of a better term) to Him about the little things He has blessed me with throughout my day. It's like I've gone into the next level of friendship with God, and it's no longer awkward, but comfortable enough to talk to Him casually throughout my day. I don't feel like I can only talk to him during my formal prayer times, but I can chat with him as my day goes on, which I feel really helps build my relationship with him, just like it would help strengthen any relationship. This has really helped me keep God literally present in my daily life, and it makes me second guess my otherwise questionable actions.
Lastly, I'm still currently working on truly believing in the phrase "God is enough". I'm still working on not spending excessive money on unnecessary materialistic object and donating more money to charity or saving it for experiences, but I do believe that God's got my life under control. I know that he will provide, and I like to think that whenever I'm stressed out about something. He'll lead me though the path that will make everything work out. I actually wrote a blog post related to my stress over my passions and my future, and the comfort I find in God's plan, if you want to check it out.)
God spoke to me through the little that I've heard in this retreat, but that just made his missions for me so much more emphasized. Sometimes, especially for myself, when so many talks are being thrown to you, I only end up remembering the things that stood out to me (and what I feel God is trying to say to me), and everything else becomes a blur. This time it actually is a blur, and though I always wish it wasn't, I'm not completely hating the fact that it is. But, I am wondering what I missed, so I hope I'll be able to attend another YES Retreat soon!
Thank you so much for reading, I know it was a long one but if you're reading this, you stuck 'til the end and I can never thank you enough!
✖
