Hello readers! I thought I'd come online today and write about some things that have been happening recently, in hopes of maybe, hopefully, finally have some answers for myself and have this random burden lifted from my mind.

It's funny how whenever I take a blog hiatus I always come back with some deep content.

Okay, maybe funny isn't the right word.

I'm quite nervous to be writing this blog post, because I know this is my way of explaining what I've been feeling, and I know my guard will have to be down. I feel very vulnerable right now, and if you're reading this then that means I got what I was looking for after finishing this post.

Unintentionally gave shoutouts to my friends' Instagrams. I know they're not complaining.

So a few months ago I started my YouTube channel, and if you know me, you'd know very well that YouTube is my life, and that becoming a YouTuber was my Crazy Dream that I'm embarrassed to admit. If those who know this have paid attention prior to the startup of my channel, I actually held off making my channel for a good year and a bit. I said things like "I'll start it when I get a laptop" and after I got my laptop, I said "I'll wait until summer vacation so I'll have more time", and when summer came I said "I think I'm still too young to start it. People will think I'm amateur (I still think this to this day)" I made it a new years resolution to finally buy a camera and kickstart my channel, and so that's what I did.

To this day, I'm still finding excuses to hold off my video creating, and I don't understand why. I'd film videos, but I'd never have the will to edit it. Or I won't even film because I don't have the will to do so. I have people come up to me to say that they watched my videos, and my friends and family always talk about how much they love my videos (which I do not take for granted, since I did work hard on them nonetheless), but I don't love making them as much as I wish I did. I choose not to force myself, because I want to do this because it's a hobby, not for fame or recognition or whatever. The past few videos I've filmed are with friends, and I'm even struggling to finish up editing those videos. I used to finish editing my old videos with friends in half a day, and now I have raw files sitting in SD cards for over a month.

Shout out to the makeup crew for our school play (Makeup Squad 2k15). Totally not taking all the credit for my makeup.

I'm starting to question whether I really want to do this because it's fun or because I want fame. However, I'm so conflicted because many other factors that made me want to start up a channel did not change. I'm still in love with the art of makeup. I still love filming videos (maybe not of myself) and editing is a skill I value. I'm still a candid weirdo who has a yearning for bringing joy in people and inspire them to be who they really are by being shameless and being who I am. I love doing DIY projects, though I have trouble with wanting to film them. And most importantly, I still always think about being a YouTuber and daydream about executing future video projects.

My social anxiety and public speaking fear have been pretty prominent in my life for the past few weeks (but that story is for another day), and I've also gotten rid of unnecessary things that make me anxious in hopes of not having this feeling whenever I do things I want to do (aka making videos). That didn't work.

On the other hand, I considered to solely stick to blogging since I enjoy writing. Because of this nervousness that I get while speaking, I feel like when writing, I can truly say what I want to say in the way that I want it to be said. Not many people know this, but I often have several ongoing writing projects that I like do to. These projects tend to be very personal, since I do write about things in order to understand myself and my mind more (like this blog post) and therefore I do not share these pieces with anyone. And here's a cool secret: I think it would be one of my greatest accomplishments ever to write and complete an actual book, and an even bigger accomplishment to have it considered for publication.

via the "about me" section from my super secret (and inactive) Wattpad account.

I don't quite know yet what God wants me to do with this hobby of mine, but what I do know is that though I may very well enjoy blogging more than talking to a camera, I do not read blog posts myself, and frankly I am more interested in the YouTube community than the blogging community. I cannot sit and read long posts unless it's a review for a product I'm interested in, and even then I skip to the verdict or look at pictures. Even my favourite YouTubers' blogs aren't appealing to me, because I'm just not the type of person to keep up with blog posts like I keep up with videos.

My interest in the communities are a major variable, because though I'm doing this for fun, I would still prefer to grow my viewers and get myself out there. In order for me to further achieve my dreams and get new and exciting opportunities I need to grow as a channel/blog. I would like it if I was interested and active in the community already, regardless of my own domain.

Why not continue on with this post to outside of my internet life? Thanks for sticking with me this far, I wouldn't have if I were you haha.

My view whist I meditated in Michigan.

I'm at the point in my high school life where I have to seriously start making decisions on my plans after high school. Not that that's a problem, because I'm the type of person who stops at nothing to get a definite answer that I really want to get, and have started researching on my possible plans for post-secondary way before I was required to for school purposes.  I am currently on the road to learning industrial design in university (aka I chose courses for my next year in high school to benefit my future learning in industrial design), though I'm starting to return to my predicament of being torn between industrial design, makeup artistry, and psychology. Each have their distinctive pros and cons (which I really prefer not to get into since this is a hella long blog post already), but now I'm wondering if writing or storytelling is my calling, and I was hoping to achieve this through my blog or YouTube, though apparently the time is not now.

In summary, this is my reasons for my actions (or rather, the lack of actions) online, and it makes me better having this out there because I felt bad for neglecting my YouTube and blog.

To anyone who's also having these internal conflicts, I'm seriously praying for you, and hope that God opens your eyes to see the path He created for you. But of course, you will have to wait until He chooses to reveal this to you. Hope that you find comfort in knowing that there's a really great plan already made for your life, and that God is there to guide you through it. It definitely helps me relax a bit to know that.


Thanks for reading friends <3

As Mr. Goose says, "Thanks for feeding friend!" Hahahaaaaa...

Hope my strategically placed pictures and stylized words made this easier to read.